Video 1 – How Anger is Linked to Your Health
- When communication breaks down heart rate goes up (preparing for fight or flight)
- Blood pressure, cholesterol, blood sugar and stress go up
- When prolonged, we can develop headaches, digestive issues, diabetes, heart disease, insomnia, strokes and suffer early death
- Anger shows up in tone of voice, talking faster, getting louder, swearing, using "formal names" or by stamping feet, pounding fists or slamming doors
- We might decide to give someone the silent treatment or be sarcastic
- We might become passive-aggressive
- Too much anger is bad, but so is "stuffing it"
- Anger is a secondary emotion. The primary emotion behind it is usually fear or hurt.
- What's driving your anger? What do you need to listen to or hear? What information do you need to get from it? What is the other person really saying? What do they really mean?
- Emotions aren't good or bad. They're about how you are connecting to the experience of your life right now.
- Anger becomes part of a strategy when we ignore it or overuse it. It starts impacting our health and our relationships. It becomes a problem.
- The most important things about our anger are:
- How often
- How intense
- How you express it
- How you "channel it"
- What you do with it
- What you do next
- Expressing anger in a healthy way has two steps:
- Say what happened (describe it without "loaded words")
- Say how it made you feel (without going overboard)
- Ask (politely/simply) for what you want/need
- "When _____ happened, I felt _____, and I'd like you to _____ instead."
- When responding to someone else's anger:
- Tell them what you observed. What was happening?
- What changed? What did they start doing? How were they acting?
- How did they appear to be feeling?
- Get curious. Check it out. Ask what it means.
- When _____ started, you _____. You looked _____. What happened?
- When _____ happened, you _____. You seemed _____. What was going on?
Video 2 – Anger Management – Protected Your Mind
- The student's story
- Defending/Protecting his body
- Giving away his mind/self
- Giving away our "power" is giving away our control of what's going on inside us.
- Some people will get to us and even pick at us. Something will impact our insecurities.
- We need to be ready to protect our minds.
- Why does a great day suddenly go bad when something happens or is said?
- Cartoon World vs. Reality
- Cartoon World is what I think should be. It's expecting the unrealistic, being "surprised" at the everyday and being let down by it.
- Reality is what really is and what we can realistically expect.
- Reality is not all bad or doom and gloom. There is plenty of good and some bad.
Video 3 – Five Keys to Controlling Anger
- We all have anger.
- We all can deal with it in a healthier, more effective or constructive way.
- We are challenged to have the discipline to handle our anger well.
- Don't be attached – You are not your ideas. You tend to want to be right or "win" regardless of anything else in the heat of the moment. You defend yourself because you equate yourself, your "essence" or your being with your ideas.
- Don't take things personally – People saying mean things and lashing out at you says more about them and their issues than it does about you. Even if it is directed right at you, it's still their stuff, and not who you really are.
- Let go – Our ego wants to have things go its way. We really have very few needs. We confuse needs with what are really wants. Extreme language makes this worse.
- Be aware – What's going on inside your body. Are you hungry, tired, or stressed out? We make up "stories" to match how we feel and wind up blaming others for trivial stuff because we feel "agitated".
- Learn how to say what's really going on inside. Own your physical and emotional states. Tell the other person what's going on inside and ask for a timeout. Express yourself accurately.
Video 4 – Anger Management – Techniques that Work
- We all experience times where we allow something someone says or does to get to us. In anger, we act out and say or do something in return we regret or wish we hadn't done.
- Puppet technique – being someone else's puppet means we aren't in control of ourselves
- Making our "power" tangible – Ironman has his power visible in the middle of his chest. He wouldn't take it out and give it away when challenged.
- "I don't want to be a puppet, and I don't want to hand over my power."
- Client's story – Revenge for stabbing avoided
Video 5 – Anger Management – How to Let Go
- Monk river crossing story – "I set that woman down an hour ago. Why are you still carrying her?"
- We hold on to events long since passed.
- Solution is simple to understand but not simple to do.
- We can only think about one thing at a time. Choose to think about something new. Replace your old thoughts by practicing new ones.
- Entitlement – We are stuck in "Things should have gone my way."
- Self-focus – "This shouldn't have happened to me.", "How dare they?" or "I was wronged."
- Life is not fair. It's rough at times. It causes us pain at times. We need to align with the reality of being let down sometimes. We need to develop our ability to handle it.
- Focus on others. Focus on the possibility of doing things for others. "How can I help?"
- Your identity isn't in your anger.
- By replaying pain from the past, you bring the pain into the present moment and make it live on.
- In closing – Replace old thoughts with new ones. Help others. Be compassionate with yourself and others. Use your talents for good. Be grateful for the things you have and don't focus on what you don't have.
Video 6 – How to Talk to Angry People
- Don't yell at people! "You need to calm down!" doesn't work – ever. "Just" minimizes their pain or hurt and fuels anger.
- We have a "right" to be angry. (We don't have a right to act out.)
- First – Acknowledge their anger. Second – It's not about you. It's something in them, so don't take it personally. It's about how they're dealing with things. It's about their view of things.
- If I'm in control of my anger, I can change my anger.
- Understand that anger stems from hurt and pain. (Develop compassion for their humanity.)
- Don't try to stop their anger. Don't fuel their anger.
- If you do these things, your view will shift, and you'll approach and handle things differently.
- You can become a "safe space", so others can become their own problem solvers.
Verses for the Week
Be angry and do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger.
My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry…
Fools give full vent to their rage, but the wise bring calm in the end.
A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.
A hot-tempered person stirs up conflict, but the one who is patient calms a quarrel.
1What causes fights and quarrels among you? Don't they come from your desires that battle within you? 2You desire but do not have, so you kill. You covet but you cannot get what you want, so you quarrel and fight.
Do not make friends with a hot-tempered person, do not associate with anyone easily angered.
Refrain from anger and turn from wrath…
Whoever is patient has great understanding, but someone who is quick-tempered shows foolishness.
Prayer for the Week
Father, thank you for helping me overcome my anger. Help me catch myself before I do more damage to myself and others. Help me see the hurt and pain in others and treat them like I'd want to be treated. Help me become a peacemaker and a shame breaker. Amen.